|
Viewing 1 - 9 out of 83 Blogs.
Page:
1 |
|
|
|
|
The world will never adjust itself to suit your whims to the letter. Something must go wrong, your whole life long and the sooner you know it the better. I don’t know who said that originally but I know that my mother said that to me often during my childhood… Well the world certainly ignored my whims on Sunday afternoon, the 24th February when my beloved mother was forced to leave my father, my sister and me to plod along the byways of life without her. At the time I remember thinking, quite reluctantly, that I would have to prepare some sort of speech to deliver here today – public speaking is really NOT my thing - but I also realised that I definitely wanted to do a few things. Naturally I wanted to wake up and realise that I had just experienced one of the most bizarre dreams ever; but, more realistically, I also wanted to ensure, as best I could, my father’s peace of mind and happiness for the rest of his life, I wanted to assure him that I would look after him with the love, respect and the care that my mother did for 72 years as a friend and for nearly 45 years as a wife; and I wanted to avoid embarrassing either of my parents in any way. So in deciding how to pay tribute to my mother I decided very quickly that, despite her exhortations to be courageous, I would not play my violin for you today nor would I attempt to sing anything here. So I am taking this remembrance in the direction of some of the reflections that I have done in the past few days upon the MEANING of my mother’s life and of her passing. One of the most striking things for me is the realisation of the extent of her strength. I found myself wondering how someone who weighed 85lbs, who was only 5’ 3” and who didn’t have a university degree could have so much power. One look, one word, perhaps several phone calls and things happened. I realise that this influence came from an authenticity cultivated, I’m told since childhood, that didn’t have to demand respect at the top of her voice. It emerged from the recognition by the persons with whom my mother was interacting that here was a decent human being who had genuine compassion for them and who respected the essential dignity of their humanity. I saw this in her dealings with everyone – with the people who worked in our home, with those who came to our gate begging, and naturally with our relatives and friends... It didn’t matter who you were, or whatever mistakes you’d made, you were treated with unfailing civility. Sadly that’s a lesson that I still have to internalise; but one prescription that has resonated with me was the importance of upholding my values and doing what I believe is right even if doing so will kill me – either figuratively or literally. She passed that one on early with her refusal to endorse a sick note to my teacher to save me from the consequences of not doing my homework one evening. It’s funny, at the time I was surprised – not angry - but surprised. I wasn’t conscious of it but I must have believed that my mother would have done anything to save me from harm if I thought that she would lie for me. The fact that she wouldn’t taught the 12-year old me many things – I learned to be honest! To work hard! To respect myself! To stand on my own two feet! To face the consequences of my actions without flinching especially if those consequences arose because I chose not to defer gratification! Well, ladies and gentlemen, I still try to uphold these values to this day. There are many more lessons but I must leave some time for the others to say something so I’ll skip to Sunday morning, during her final hours, when Mummy and I spent a long time speaking about what God meant to her. We spoke about how she saw her own illness and my father’s illness. We debated some newly thought through ideas on my part about the efficacy of prayer. She didn’t want to seem ungrateful for the many years of blessings that our family had enjoyed even as she wrestled with trying to understand the sudden reversal in our fortunes. It was my view, and she allowed herself to be persuaded, that looking for answers to the questions that emerge from one’s life was NOT a sign of ingratitude. And so, unknown to us, I prepared her body to be received by her God and she gifted me with some insights into her soul that prepare me for moving on with my life without her being just a phone call away. A few days before she died, I recognised that the answer to my prayers for my mother’s recovery was likely to be ‘No.” I realised this when the unwelcome thought came to me that I should be relying on the strength of the Lord rather than continually telling him that I needed the strength of my mother if I am to survive. I didn’t accept that answer then and I have rejected it in the days since her passing. Yet, knowing that Mummy would not wish me to abandon my faith just because my prayers weren’t answered as I wanted them to be on this one occasion, knowing that that would be a classic case of the ingratitude that she detested; and a useless raging at the storm, has caused me to see that although one can be angry and disappointed with God and in the circumstances of one’s life this is an untenable position for the long term. It could cost me everything if I were to persist along that path. And so it was only two days ago, on Saturday, that I was able to say to the Lord “look after her for me…” A simple five-word prayer that balanced the hours of fasting and prayerful petitions made before her death and the COMPLETE inability to find even one desperate word of entreaty as she died in my arms 15 days ago.
But God isn’t the only person that I needed to speak to about my mother’s passing. I needed to settle it with her and tell her “Walk good, Mummy. You’ve done well… really, very well! I believed you as a 7-year old that I could bake because I could read and I believe you now that I can, I CAN finish my PhD. So you walk good, Mummy, we will be okay.”
My last word for now is to Death, and John Donne has said it better than I ever could, “be not proud, though some have called thee Mighty and dreadful, for thou art NOT so.”
-OMT/MAS/CS/CQ
Tags: Tribute Mother Jamaica Daughter Love Death Dying Eulogy Jamaican Parents Gr
Not having written more than three blogs since July I find myself writing two this morning... the impending New Year seems to be doing strange things to me.
I started this morning working through my Cinnamon profile because I find that my attitude to this profile Mary_Aranxia has changed since my return here earlier this month after a three-month long break. I had always regarded Mary_Aranxia as being my primary profile and the rest were just add-ons to support her work here. Sadly, though, I honestly haven't been able to recover the enthusiasm that I had during my first stint here and I have noticed that I am not alone in that.
As I'd said for Cinnamon earlier I have long wondered why the general malaise exists in this site. Though when I think about it I have joined many sites - LoveHappens, Orkut, hi5, Tagged, YouTube and there is a Christian one that I can't even remember the name of... This last and all except Frooler and to a lesser extent, Orkut and YouTube, point to something about social network sites. Even if you like them and join up you tend to stick to a few... I am sure that the people on the other sites wonder about me just as much as I wonder about the people who haven't logged in since the day that they joined.
That this bothers me is something that I noticed this morning when Cinnamon happened upon a profile in which Mary_Aranxia's photo appeared as one of the gentleman's friends. Cinnamon didn't recognise the gentleman but happily, noticed that he'd joined only two days ago so it wasn't strange that he was a stranger... It would be embarrassing, after all not to recognise one's own friends! Then the reason that this gentleman was a friend struck home... I make it a policy to extend a hand to anyone over 40 here and to anyone who is a Christian because these two define who I am more than anything except being Jamaican.
My problem though is when people are chosen on this basis one doesn't really know if their interests are similar to one's... especially so if they haven't bothered to fill in their profile. So I asked my friend to tell me what he did. I pointed out that he hadn't filled in his profile and so I couldn't learn anything about him from that.
My life story is, after all, spread out on the Mary_Aranxia, Cinnamon and Caribbean_Queen39 profiles if anyone is interested. I know that that probably sounds insane but when I came here as Mary_Aranxia in April I was a novelty on the network and hence EXTREMELY popular. So much so that I couldn't just login in peace I would have four or five persons trying to chat to me at a time in the lounge etc. Some people were almost hostile in demanding that I go to the Lounge to chat with them. So my Cinnamon profile was created so that I could get on with answering my mail and creating my communities that tell people about Jamaica, the Caribbean and my general interests; but the profile took on a life of its own!
My relationship with my Cinnamon profile has been strange from the start. I am a sane person and had never had multiple personalities before. I wondered how much more of my life I should reveal to you all through her and how different she should be from Mary_Aranxia. I wasn't sure about this at the start, I hadn't thought her through well enough - in fact, I had hastened into her without fully realising that she couldn't manipulate Mary's profile as she'd been meant to do!
Then the men here seem to like the young lady whose photo I'd used as my avatar. They seemed to like her more than the witty, interesting person that I really was on the Mary_Aranxia profile. I must confess - I'm embarrassed to do so - but became jealous of her and suppressed her a bit! Imagine being jealous of yourself!!!!
I've grown fond of her since. She has become more of a sister, as was my original thought to portary her here, than as an alternative profile. She really has come to represent an aspect of my personality that I don't indulge too frequently - the funny, bitingly sarcastic side; and her name, Cinnamon, is one of the names that I had picked out to give my daughter should I ever have one.
I am not the only one who has changed over the months; she has too. She's become far less cynical and so we really are beginning to re-merge as one entity. I am also more open now about discussing the fact that I have multiple personality profiles on this site. It helps me to sort out my friends - people are attracted to different people and since I am a complex individual, I cross many spectrums proudly. This is also not inconsistent with the way in which I conduct my life and business affairs - I sectionalise things.
Well, now I have created Caribbean_Queen39, a typical Caribbean person, to do the Caribbean work here and Mary and Cinnamon will concentrate on Jamaica along with Durrantp, a profile that I have captured from a friend... The facts on it will still be his though the communities are still part of my 124 communities created for the network...  I have told durrantp's story many times here and some people realise now that I am the same person behind that profile as well. I haven't been reticent about admitting that all along but now, through Mary, Cinnamon and the Queen, you have a full explanation about who I really am...
Nantsew ye and all the best to you for 2008. I wish for you all joy, peace, good health and financial prosperity.
-MAS/CS/DP/CQ
Tags: Multiple Personalities Profiles
I cannot even begin to describe the shock and profound sorrow that I felt this morning at the news of the assination of Pakistani Opposition Leader Benazir Bhutto two hours ago. Ms. Bhutto's name is one that I have heard for nearly 30 years and so although I neither knew her myself, nor anyone who did for that matter, the news of her death came with the force of learning of the passing of a relative or friend. As a child I remember admiring her beauty and glamour but now as a woman I admire her tenacity and selflessness. I havew never believed the stories of corruption that surround her but feel that these were more a political weapon used in an attempt to silence her and her supporters.
The international media has been innundated today with tributes and questions about why she was not better protected. My questions are more about the driving force of persons like her and Martin Luther King Jr., and Mahatma Gandhi, and Malcolm X and JFK and Abraham Lincoln and Jesus Christ and Anwar Sadat... I wonder at their raw courage in the face of impending martyrdom. I question what is to be achieved by this martyrdom on either side of the fence. For what has Ms. Bhutto achieved? What has her assassin achieved - (except for guaranteeing the PPP a landslide victory whenever the election scheduled for two weeks time is held eventually)? Is power such a scarce resource that people must kill for it?
My main question though, is what is happening to Pakistan? I have been hearing about fermenting political strife in the past few months - I honestly hadn't paid much attention. That will change now, however. It seems to me that even if one could be misguided enough to screen out news of the imprisonment of judges and senior politicians one must surely sit up and take notice now.
May God grant Ms. Bhutto's soul, and those of the other persons who were killed today at her rally, and at the one organised by Nawaz Sharif's supporters, rest.  May God comfort the families and supporters of the slain and may He protect those who continue the struggle.
-MAS
Tags: Benazir Bhutto Pakistan
It has been a long time since I wrote to you all in this way. I have just been escaping by reading the most recent 27 of my 79 blogs in my Mary_Aranxia profile. It was a treat - yes, because I still think that they are good  - but also because it showed the development of my personality during the five months that I spent in prolific activity with you earlier this year.
As I read, I wondered if I would be capable of writing anything like these vignettes again. This is an exercise in trying to do so. It is also a means for me to escape from one of the saddest Christmases of my life - some of you know that I am struggling with coping with two ill parents. I recognise on a cognitive level that I should be thankful - their lives have been spared - but this is still not a merry Christmas for me; I still want them to be hale and hearty again. Being true to one's affective impulses is being true to oneself after all.
I have had to drop out of my classes this semester to deal with my parents. They do not realise this. I have stopped looking about my research; I have fantasised about leaving my job; I have resumed my nocturnal activities on the internet - although not as much as before simply because I don't have the time after getting up five times during the night with my darling mother and cooking and serving my dear father's meals. I recognise that while I am a super woman I am not Superwoman. I recognise that I have disappointed myself in the fact that I haven't been able to manage to live my own life during the past three months although the persons looking on seem impressed by the fact that I have tried. I received an award from my office for Outstanding Service to the department on Friday at the staff Christmas Party. I actually received the plaque on Monday because I couldn't attend the party on Friday. I'm disappointed in myself that I miss my life given that I have given it up for the people that I love most in the world.
Nantsew ye and have a reflective Christmas and a New Year that is filled with joy, peace, good health, success in your endeavours and financial prosperity.
-MAS/CS/DP
Tags: Jamaican Life Issues Contact Mary_Aranxia Christmas
I was far too tired after the weekend to write to congratulate Asafa Powell again. To lower his own world record from 9.77 to 9.74 seconds for the 100-metre sprint is amazing... Even more so is the fact that he wasn't even sprinting as he crossed the finish line... makes you wonder what the real record should be! Therein lies the contents of my blog today... What would the record have been if he had been giving it his all? I'm not saying that he gave up here as he did in Osaka two weeks ago but he still hasn't learned to give his efforts his 100% attention until the end of the event and so we may never learn the full potential of this young man... How many others among us are the same? How many of us are just content with finishing well and if we can get away with doing so at 60% of our talents we're happy with that... Sadly, I suspect that this is too many of us. Even more sadly, it includes me... my sister and I had a startling conversation on Saturday morning and I realised that I haven't given my life my all... Certainly, with her discipline I can't even IMAGINE where I'd be today... Perhaps if I had learned before to give my efforts my all you'd have heard of me... I mean really heard of me; you'd know my real name and the project that I'm doing here to make you know about and come to love Jamaica wouldn't be necessary because having really heard of me you'd be doing that too... It's a chilling thought: by not giving life my all I'm not really living my dreams... Nantsew ye...
Today is a very sad day for me. I heard some hours ago that my beloved Luciano Pavarotti has died after a valiant battle against pancreatic cancer. I have been a fan for several years and I remember Mr. Pavarotti fondly from a concert that he gave in Kingston on the lawns of King's House, the home of our Governor General. It was quite an education because I would have sworn that I knew his repertoire but on that occasion I think that I knew only one or two songs. Not to worry though, I have so many of his CDs that I am sure that eventually I will be able to say that I know his repertoire even if I can't say so now... I must go now, in truth I am overcome by a need to weep - in part by my mourning for the passing of this superstar but also because the musical tributes being broadcast continue to stir my soul just as they have always done... Nantsew ye, Mr. Pavarotti. May God grant your soul rest. -Mary-Aranxia Swann
No one will know it unless I tell you, but this is my original topic for this morning but I got carried away with the last blog about choosing our next government today and so decided to record my thoughts on two issues this morning... I spent some time yesterday looking at all of the communities that have been created here by the members of this network. As expected though, I lingered over my own nearly 100, I believe - I must count them  , and in general, I am pleased with the numbers of persons who have signed on for membership of my various communities. For me, 30 members are ideal in any community of this sort and several of my communities have reached that or are well on the way to that now... I am flattered that 25 of you have signed on for the "Jamaica" community and so I have actually started a second community for you called "Jamaica, Land We Love" that will have a different theme entirely; but will still showcase aspects of Jamaican life. I have entrusted that one to Cinnamon if you're interested... In any event, I have never made a secret of the fact that for me, the communities are the most important aspect of the social network situation... I believe that it is here that we can make genuine friends and contacts around shared interests... The scraps, in my view, seldom go anywhere expect to YM or MSN Messenger - read, away from the network, Admin - and so it is imperative to build up the discussions in the various forums available here... For me, I have enjoyed the spurts of discussion that have occurred in some of my communities... The Bob Marley vs. Sean Paul vs. Shaggy discussion was fun and is the attempt to select the greatest West Indies Cricket team ever... I had hoped for more though and I have wondered if my efforts aren't more suited to a Jamaican social network... Shouldn't I be sharing my ideas about Jamaica with my fellow Jamaicans so that they can see for themselves some of the good things that I have discovered in the past few months to celebrate about our homeland? Don't I owe it to the people who have protected and educated me to use my creativity and energy to build the country in a wholistic way rather than simply with selfish intent? Ironically, I came here to educate you all about life in Jamaica. I wanted to be sure that if you heard our name anywhere that it would spark some recognition in you... I hoped that you would stop to listen to the story because you'd realise that somthing significant was going on. In the past few months I have realised that this work needs to be done among the Jamaican people as well! I think that I have found a way to do this... through the communities (yes, and with the help of the scraps) because I was genuinely gratified by the numbers of persons who expressed concern about the hurricane that hit Jamaica recently... As I've said though, I hope for more and so I want to keep my communities small and intimate and creative and exciting... I do want more discussion of the issues in them... whether I instigated these threads or not...  So, a final appeal, please visit the communities that you've joined and leave me a comment in the forum or submit a photo and a comment... I WILL RESPOND and I hope that others will too... We can do this people... I believe that by building the virtual Frooler communities we are in fact building the real communities of the world since we are developing an understanding of each other that transcends the cultural, political, religious and social barriers that limit us all. Nantsew ye...
My friends, I write this this morning full of a sense of anticipation because today is the day on which Jaaicans go to the polls to choose the next government for our fair land. I do not know who will win; the polls have suggested that the Opposition Jamaica Labour Party will triumph over the governing Peoples National Party; but whatever the result I hope that good sense will prevail and that there will be acceptance of the outcome by the leadership, candidates and supporters of the two major parties here. I pray that whomever forms the government will take the job seriously, will not waste time crowing over the vanquished and will move, expiditiously, to unite the country since it is not expected that either side will win by a landslide and so, whatever happens, nearly 50% of the country will be disappointed. I pray that whomever forms the next government will move swiftly to execute the plans that they have tabled to move Jamaica to developed country status by 2030. The truth is that so many of the smaller islands who are our Caribbean neighbours are already living at that standard and we deserve no less. My friends, please pray with me for Jamaica today. Pray that we somehow, choose wisely and select a set of inspired and honourable people to lead us for the next five years... Nantsew ye...
I was absolutely delighted to see a wonderful new community called I LOVE MY FATHER on greatguydoctor's profile. People might wonder why I keep inviting them to join my (somewhere in the region of 100) communities - it is for just this reason... Someone might see it on your profile and join because they enjoy the topic... I digress though... Yes, I do love my father... VERY MUCH... He is 82, twice my age and unfortunately, now developing health problems. This has caused me to realise that I might not have him with me forever as I had always seemed to think I would. I am not one of those persons who believes that if you love someone then you carry them with you in your heart always... That's just not good enough for me... I am more practical than that... I want to actually see the people that I love. I want to be able to talk to them, ask them for advice and actually have them tell me what they think; I want to share the details of my day with them, buy them little gifts just because I thought of them at some perfectly random moment and the memory made me feel happy or secure or wistful or develop an unseemly fit of giggling.  I ADORE both of my parents! I began as my mummy's little girl, following her around the place, imitating everything that she did. In recent years though I have become my daddy's big girl; and now I copy the things that I have seen him do. Only this weekend I confessed to him that the reason that I left the private sector, taking a cut in pay to work at UWI is because he did for 38 years before me and that since there was always a member of our family working there then I wanted to continue the tradition after he retired. That was 12 years ago and although I don't work in the same section of the Campus that he did I do pretty much the same thing that he did... administration; and with the same results... he was overworked but respected and, even if I say so myself, so am I. My dad and I have developed a special bond as we've both got older... Since I joined Frooler, my marital status has intrigued many persons and they can't understand why it is that I have never married... Let me hasten to say that that's not my father's fault! In fact, one of the most touching things that he has ever done for me, and it is something that I will carry with me to the grave, is that he brought an article to me one day... something that he had clipped from the newspaper that he'd been reading... It gave me a step-by-step guide to dumping my boyfriend. I knew then, if I didn't know before, that my father loves me... he didn't like seeing me join myself to a man who would have me on a string for nine years... He couldn't stand seeing someone take advantage of the person that he had spent so many years protecting, educating and nurturing; the young lady who looks like him! (Yes, the first time he came to look for me at my new office at UWI, he found me by walking around the place and asking people if they knew a young lady who looked like him... They found me folks!!!!!!!!!!!) He couldn't stand to see me reject the advances of others in favour of someone who hasn't really committed; and I love him for that. I love him for his concern about my welfare even though I am now a big woman myself... Yes, I have no compunction about saying it... I LOVE MY FATHER and this is the second community that I've joined here on Frooler to say exactly that to the world... Let me leave you so that I can actually go and say it to him too... Nantsew ye!  
Page:
1 |
|
|
|
|
|
